Mandatory online age verification laws, enacted globally under the guise of child protection, are creating a perilous digital landscape. These mandates force users to surrender sensitive personal data, including government IDs and biometric scans, to third-party brokers, forming unprecedented “honeypots” ripe for cyberattacks and identity theft. Recent failures, like Discord’s botched rollout, highlight the technical unreliability and discriminatory potential of age estimation AI, alongside API vulnerabilities. Beyond security, age verification eradicates online anonymity, chilling free speech for whistleblowers, marginalized groups, and political dissidents, while fueling a lucrative cross-web tracking industry that supplants phased-out cookies. Even “on-device” solutions offer limited privacy guarantees and disproportionately burden users with older technology.